Lose it all
by Star-Nebula42
Summary: Rin lost control at the exorcist training camp, his father is dead, and he lost the friendship and trust of those closest to him. How does one carry guilt, face the consequences of past actions, and keep yourself from falling into despair and drowning? Seeking an escape from reality, Rin turns to the last thing anyone expected. CURRENTLY BEING EDITED
1. Lapse

**Disclaimer** : I do not own ANE/BE or any of its characters.

 **Beta Reader** : pll539563 - Thank you for being so fantastic to work with. Your never ending patience is a true gift.

 **Warning** : This story is rated M for a reason. It contains the misuse and abuse of alcohol and drugs, actions of which I don't condone. It will also cover some other topics that may be triggering.

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It was a dark and dreary evening. Rin was slumped ungracefully across his desk, his face squished against it. He watched through the window as a steady downpour rained down from the sky, occasionally tapping against the window in an uneven tune. The atmosphere was hypnotizing, trying to trick his tired mind to sleep.

He was alone in his dorm room as his brother, Yukio, was out attending a faculty party that the academy put together for the teachers. Rin thought about what it would be like, to be out eating cake or whatever people do in those types of gatherings. Growing up, Rin never got invited to parties. His classmates and their parents thought that he was too destructive and had no reason to go. He'd only cause a ruckus, and that wasn't worth it. The boy was beginning to think causing trouble was the only thing he's known for besides being the son of Satan.

On the other hand, Yukio gets invited to events regularly. Rin suspected it was because either the parents wanted their kids to make friends with the smartest kid in class or the child themselves wanted to become buddies with his brother. Either way, it seemed to suck as much as the rest of Yukio and Rin's life.

The past few months have been especially rough for Rin and Yukio. It started with their adoptive father's death. Shiro had been the closest family they had, and now, he's gone. The loss and ache lingered, reminding them as if it happened yesterday.

After all the heartache, pain, and mourning at his funeral, a strange man claiming to be a friend of Shiro invited Rin to study at the True Cross Academy with Yukio. Well, "invited" is applicable, but it was seriously the only reasonable option seeing as the others were mixtures of "kill or be killed."

When Rin joined the academy, he tried his best to keep his head down and avoid as much trouble as possible, as Mephisto and more people told him to do. He quickly lost that "fit in" phase and started doing his own thing. From there, he slowly befriended more and more people. Though slow, he ended up being successful with it. He finally had friends. That was, until a few weeks ago when an exorcist training camp sent him and his friends into a forest.

Amaimon, a demon king, attacked the camp. Most of the students attempted to save Shiemi, a student Amaimon had taken. Rin, making the mistake of not keeping his secret and running head first into trouble to aid his friends and family, drew the flaming sword and burned away his chances to happiness. In hindsight, he should have told them about his parentage, but Rin was just too afraid of what they would think of him. He wanted to have friends for a little longer. Not that any of it mattered now, the damage was done, and now he's walking around uselessly, getting shunned. Just when Rin finally felt that he fit in, he had to go and screw everything up like always.

A loud booming clap of thunder spooked him from his thoughts, making him jump in his seat. _Tap! Tap tap_ , the rain took a hit at Rin's window.

Rin took a second to collect his thoughts. Sitting upright, he stretched his arm over his head. His body was stiff, just how long had he been sitting here? Peering out the window, he noticed that the rain wasn't coming down as hard as before. It was just a drizzle now. Rin felt the sudden urge to go outside in the rain shower to clear his head. Since he was alone, no one would be bothered if he left for a while. Plus, a nice walk in the rain never hurt anyone, right?

The teenager looked at some extra credit homework poking out of his backpack then back at the window, his decision between the two completely clear.

"Screw it," Rin whispered to himself, "I need to get out of here."

Foregoing a coat or an umbrella, Rin dashed down the stairs and out into the rain, going wherever his feet were taking him. The rain soaked his hair and his clothes, but it felt cool on his skin. It made him feel free, even if it was just for a moment.

However, that moment didn't last long. Rin's long strides faltered, and he stopped in his tracks. He had hoped the rain would clear his head but much to his disappointment, the thoughts that Rin wished would leave stayed in the forefront of his mind, bogging him down again.

Walking a little slower, Rin took in the sights of the campus. There were many buildings that he hadn't seen before or didn't recognize. Student cafés, cat restaurants, and different faculty buildings stood before him. He observed building lights and traffic, like an outsider to life. Taking a more transparent look at the place, he sped up his pace, exploring. Eventually, he came across a large, open clearing. It was a park littered with trees and tables. Taking a seat on one of the empty benches, Rin quietly watched as people walked by. Some people rushed past him, seeking cover from the rain. Others squealed in delight because they were just as excited for the rain as the next person was. Some people stood out more than others. Like a mother who dragged along her son, scolding him for splashing her in a puddle. Rin only smiled sadly, listening.

After a few minutes, it started to downpour, with hard droplets of rain splashing against the sidewalk furiously. Even so, Rin didn't mind the rain. His empty room wasn't nearly as relaxing as this place.

Time seemed to slow down. Rin couldn't tell how long he'd been sitting there. It wasn't until the sky started to darken, either from the late hour or an incoming storm, that Rin decided it was time to leave.

He stood up from the bench and stretched his legs, taking his sweet time doing so. Going back was going to be a pain, so he'll probably stroll. Hell, if he was going to start walking again, he was going to take all the time in the world. A few seconds later, Rin began his trip.

The campus had a different vibe to it at night, certain parts of it slept on whereas other parts felt alive in the night time, Rin noticed while taking a detour. His journey will be a long one, he thought to himself, wasting more time. He wandered down the darkened streets with no real route in mind.

Despite the heavy rain, a street stood crowded with blinding neon lights cutting through the darkness. Curious to know what kind of buildings these were, Rin pushed through the mob of people. He took a look around, seeing some of the buildings were actually lounges and karaoke bars, then continued pushing his way within the groups of people. Rin came to a stop in front of one of the buildings. There was loud music rumbling from the inside and people hanging around the place giving him a shady atmosphere. Upon further investigation, Rin realized that it was a nightclub.

Out of curiosity, Rin stood in front of the door, tempted to reach for the handle to take a peek inside. He moved for it but quickly pulled his hand back hesitantly. Should he go inside? A nightclub wasn't a place for kids and could it easily get him into trouble. Though he wasn't wearing a students uniform so they might not be able to tell that he was underage. He could go in, take a look at what it's like in there, and leave right after. Curiosity had got the best of him, and he opened the door and stepped in. How no one ever asked him if he was a minor, he'll never know.

Loud music immediately blocked out his hearing. Oh yeah, this would be the perfect place to drown out the negative thoughts in his head.

Rin squeezed past some rowdy dancers and "drunkies" attempting to find a spot to sit. He was definitely out of his element here. The place was deafening enough to distract him from anything and everything he thought. That was because every 3 or so seconds, he'd dodge an incoming drunken slap.

Hey, he saw someone getting drunk slapped a few minutes ago, and that was not a pretty sight to see.

Soon enough, he found something that looked close to a booth and took a seat, observing the people there.

After a few seconds, through the loud music, a silky voice made it to his ear, "Hey there."

Rin flinched, startled.

"Sorry I scared you," said the silky voice near him.

"You didn't," Rin shouted over the music, frowning at the person next to him. This was the first time someone here attempted to talk to him. He didn't know whether to respond or not, but he decided to do so because he felt obligated. The person who spoke to him looked to be a young, curvaceous woman. Her makeup-caked face and smell of cheap perfume gave him bad vibes, making him tense up slightly. That perfume of hers smelled horrible. It gave the boy a small headache.

"You look lost, is something the matter? I know just what will help," she assumed. The woman reached over and grabbed a drink from a server walking by while keeping one of her hands on his shoulder. "Here, have a drink. You seem lonely. Why don't you come to sit with my friends and me? We're playing a game," said the women, with her soothing voice.

She shoved the glass into Rin's hands and watched him expectantly.

The drink felt uncomfortably heavy in his hands. That was the first time all night he wanted to go back to the safety of his dorm room. While he was there, he needed to remain calm and make his way out. What would happen if he refused to gulp down the drink in his hands? Would the woman get angry? Rin wasn't about to find out.

"Actually," he started, "I was just leaving," he said as he pushed the glass back to the woman.

"Nooo," she whined like a child, "You just got here! C'mon, we don't bite."

With that, she shoved the drink up to his mouth and forced him to take a sip. It tasted horrible and burned the whole way down. The bitter taste wouldn't abandon his tongue. Despite his protests, the woman grabbed Rin by the elbow and dragged him over to another table where a couple of other people were sitting. She pushed him down into an empty seat and sat down next to him. Rin was about to say something and get up and off the table, but the lady interrupted him saying, "Finish your drink at least before you go, I did pay for it."

He eyed her carefully, thinking to himself how much he didn't want to be there. Sighing, he tilted his head back and tried to finish the drink quickly so that she'd allow him to leave. Regretting his choice almost immediately, Rin coughed and sputtered a bit as he drank it, wanting to throw it up. With a few more gulps, he finished it.

Then she replaced the drink in his hands with a new one. He looked at it with disgust, everything beginning to get too distracting for him to realize what was going on. Rin gingerly took a sip from it and glanced at the woman's 'friends.'

Something felt off about the people that sat across from them. Their eyes looked glassy and devoid of any emotion. They've been like that ever since Rin showed up at their table, if not longer. Maybe they had too much to drink? They looked dead to him.

Rin took another sip from his drink. It made him feel ever so slightly less nervous, but a buzzing sensation was starting to grow in the back of his head. Did he always feel like this or what's going on? What was in that drink? His thoughts were starting to blur.

"I'll get you another drink, sweet thing," the woman whispered in his ear. For a second, Rin forgot that woman existed and that he was at a club at all. She took the empty glass from his hands and waved over a server and ordered more drinks. He hadn't even realized he finished the glass cup she gave him before. When did he get here?

"What's wrong with them?" Rin asked, gesturing to the people sitting across from him, "They don't look so good. Didn't you mention that you and them are walking a fame?"

"Playing a game, love. Also, don't worry about them. They just had a little too much fun," she laughed sweetly in his ear. Music muffled out her hysterical laughter. Rin didn't even seem to notice she responded at all. "The game was to get someone to come and have fun with us, but you don't seem like you're having any fun."

"It's nothing. It's just been a long day," he commented, this time hearing her changing tone.

"I can help with that," she said excitedly, rolling up Rin's sleeve without him noticing.

Rin was struggling to pay attention. The buzz in his head had gotten thicker. Thicker? Was that even possible? Since when was there a buzz in his head? Rin shook his head and thought, _'It doesn't matter!'_ Whatever was in that drink may have put him at ease, but was unquestionably not good for him.

The lady sitting next to him held Rin's arm to the table, viewing at how clean his arm was. "I remember when my skin looked like this. So pale, and fragile, it's beautiful."

"What?" Rin asked, struggling to hear her over the loud music.

She didn't respond. She was too busy poking and tapping at Rin's arm as if testing it for something. Then, she reached into her handbag and pulled something out — a syringe.

Alarm bells went off in Rin's head, yet he did nothing. He was too busy trying to make out why part of his mind was screaming danger, telling him to leave and pretend none of this ever happened. The other part simply expressed no fear of what would happen next, because really, no one would care if anything happened to him.

Before he could make up his mind, with quick and precise accuracy, the woman stabbed him with the needle and pressed the plunger. Rin tore his arm away from her, his arm burning in pain. He felt his veins burning him up on the inside.

"What the hell are you doing?! What was that?!" Rin yelled over the music, having snapped back into reality.

Either she couldn't hear him, or she nullified his words because she didn't answer his questions. The woman only nursed her drink.

When Rin didn't feel anything strange, he sighed in relief. Thankfully, whatever she had stabbed into him didn't have any effect. He rolled his sleeve back down and stood up, untangling the awful girl from him. Rin's logical part of mind was telling him it was time to go. So, he got up from the table, leaving the woman staring at her cup. Caring not one bit for the people he pushed past, Rin hurried to leave the club.

He was halfway out of the nightclub when a wave of calm washed over him. It was as though all of his inhibitions and worries had just melted away. The feeling of being liberated from all of his troubles brought him immense joy. Why would he go home? He didn't need to! All he wanted to have some fun.

The next few hours were a total blur. Rin vaguely remembered dancing, joking loudly with strangers, and even more drinks. He didn't know how long he had been there, but he sure as hell didn't care.

Suddenly, everything started moving too fast, and the room spun. Someone was talking to Rin, but he couldn't hear them. It felt like someone poured ice water down his back, all happiness had been sucked right out of the air. Feeling lost, he was slowly led back to the table, occasionally stumbling.

"It wore off, didn't it?" The woman asked, facing away from him. She continued, "Unfortunately it doesn't last forever. Once it wears off, you have to take another hit. It's a horrible cycle, really."

Rin looked at her, feeling unsure of what to say. All of the negative thoughts that had plagued him earlier slowly returned to the forefront of his mind. A strange hollow feeling was building in the pit of his stomach. What had she done to him?

She finally looked at him with a knowing expression on her face.

"Here take this," She slipped a small packet into his pocket without him noticing. "It's on the house. I know you'll need it."

It was then that the gravity of what she had done hit him. Drugs. She drugged him. This strange woman that he had never met before, a total stranger, had given him drugs, and Rin didn't stop her. Remembering how he went with it made him feel contaminated, dirty.

Rin didn't say "thank you," he instead turned his head to the exit and attempted to get out of the woman's grasp.

"Ineedtoleavenow," Rin attempted to say, his words slurred together horribly. Listening to himself talk like this was torture and proof the drugs were affecting him. Eventually, the drugged woman let go of the boy, and he ran off.

He pushed his way through the crowded nightclub and walked out into the hectic street, not looking back once. Rin had to get home. He needed to find Yukio. Yukio? What if Yukio was back already? What would he say if he sees Rin like this? Dread washed over Rin, sending a chill down his spine. What if someone he knew had seen him? Stupid, stupid, _stupid!_

Rin half walked, half stumbled his way through the city and back to the dorm. He walked in, half expecting to meet Yukio at the front entrance, and then he noticed how dark it was. How long had he been away?

At this point, the drugs in his system had worn off, but he was still intoxicated from all the alcohol he had consumed. The boy half jumped over the stairs. It was a miracle how Rin had not fallen down the stairs even once. Maybe his demonic healing was ridding his system of the alcohol and drugs, that's why he didn't fall. Well, Rin hoped it was that.

He snuck up to his room, forgetting to go to the bathroom to check his appearance and if something about him looked abnormal. Then, he quietly opened the door, hoping that Yukio wasn't home yet.

What he wasn't aware of was that Yukio was still awake and had waited for Rin to come back the entire time. When Yukio had arrived back to the dorm room in the late hours of the night, he was shocked to see that Rin wasn't there. He called Rin's phone over and over, anxious like a parent. At one point, Yukio considered going out to look for him but instead waited at the dorm just in case Rin turned up.

"Where have you been?" Yukio asked, with his voice being a mixture of worry and anger.

"Out." Was Rins only reply. He didn't know what else to say, and he also didn't want to risk answering sloppily and making his "drunkness" visible.

Yukio wasn't in the mood for his brother's vague answers, "I called you eleven times! Do you have any idea how late it is? I've been worried sick. Why didn't you answer your phone?"

Rin didn't answer. Instead, he settled for kicking his shoes off and sliding under the covers of his bed, still dressed in his day clothes and pretending that his brother wasn't there.

"Fine. If you're going to act like a child, so be it," Yukio snapped, stalking out of the room angrily. He felt awful for yelling at his brother without knowing what happened, but Rin had him worried sick. He knew that Rin was going through a tough time with everything going on, but he needed to know his limits. If he went missing or even got closed to messing up again who knows what would happen.

After taking a few minutes to cool off, Yukio stepped back into the room intending to apologize to Rin, but Rin was already fast asleep.


	2. Hiding

**Disclaimer:** I don't own ANE/BE or any of its characters.

Two chapters in one week? And I'm completely sane? Amazing! I hope you guys enjoy it.

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When Rin woke up the next morning, his head was pounding painfully with a vengeance and his entire body ached. His memory of the previous night was fuzzy at best. All he could remember was going for a walk in the rain. Anything after that was just a blur.

He rolled to his side slowly, trying his best to not make his headache worse. He sat there for a moment and debated if he really needed to go to class. Well, regardless of if he was going or not, he still needed to take a shower. He was still dressed in his clothes from the day before which meant he had not taken a shower. Not to mention that he felt abnormally cold.

'A hot shower should warm me up.' Rin thought, rubbing his arms to warm them up.

He stood up slowly, his legs felt weak and shaky. He tried to walk, but his legs collapsed under him instantly. His headache, combined with the nausea he didn't know that he had until he tried to stand up, had knocked him flat on his ass.

His entire body felt cold. Perhaps it was because he had gone out for a walk in the rain.

"Three... Two... One.." Rin counted himself down before pulling himself back up onto his still shaking legs. He made his way to the bathroom, albeit slowly, and turned on the hot water for his shower. Tugging his shirt off over his head, he noticed small bruises across his right forearm. He ran his thumb over them. Sure enough, they hurt.

"I never get bruises..." He said to himself, mystified. The only thing more curious about the bruises themselves was that he had no idea how he got them.

He stripped himself from the rest of his clothes, tossed his dirty laundry to the side, and hot into the hot shower. The warm water cascading over his skin warmed him up instantly. Rin sighed in relief, he wasn't used to feeling cold.

He finished his shower and towel dried off. Rin reluctantly got dressed in his school uniform and slung Kurikara over his shoulder. He stopped. Debating one final time whether he really wanted to go to class. No one at cram school would care if he showed up or not. If anything, it might please them. They'd finally have a quiet and undisturbed class without him. Yukio would be disappointed, but it wouldn't be the first time. Just the thought of going to cram school made Rin miserable.

He could picture it now, the dirty looks they would give him, the whispering about him behind his back. Why would anyone want to go into an environment like that?

The thought of having to sit through lectures about demons and remedies that he didn't care about with a pounding headache made the final decision for him. He was definitely not going to class. Yukio would be pissed off, but Rin didn't care.

 _"Rin,"_ a little voice called from behind him, _"what's the matter? You look upset."_

Rin turned to face the creäture that had spoken. It was Kuro. Kuro nuzzled his head against Rins leg. Rin knelt to Kuro's level, petting the little demon. Kuro especially loved it when Rin scratched behind his ears.

"Nothing's wrong. I'm okay Kuro," Rin replied. He picked Kuro up and placed him on his bed. The little cat demon started purring and curled up into a little ball, feeling content with Rins answer.

Rin gave Kuro a final pet before leaving the dorm room. He wasn't sure where to go, he normally spent the entire day in class. He didn't have any plans or friends to hang out with. Wandering around aimlessly it was. He found his way to a park that had an air of familiarity to it, but he couldn't place why. He strolled down a busy road lined with shops and street vendors. He checked a few of the places out but nothing piqued his interest.

Rin decided to go back to the park and get some quiet. Maybe he could finally clear his head and gather his thoughts. He took a turn down an alley that he thought would drop him off by the park. A few steps down he alley Rin realized he had made a mistake. This wasn't a shortcut and there was a group of unsavory people who looked like they wanted to be left alone; and Rin, not looking for a fight, would happily leave them be.

"Hey," a rough voice drawled out, "I know you. You were uh, at the club last night, right?" The person asked, pointing at Rin.

"Sorry but I think you've got the wrong person," Rin replied quickly, "sorry for bothering you, I'll just be leaving-"

"Relax man, relax. I don't want to hurt you." The person said.

 _'That's just what a person who wants to hurt you would say.'_ Rin thought anxiously.

His grip tightening on Kurikara out of habit. The person stepped forward and Rin removed his hand from Kurikara. He recognized this person.

It was the woman from last night Rin realized with a jolt. His memory of the previous night came back to him. Visiting the park, walking down a brightly lit lane into the club, taking shots with strangers... And taking drugs. Rin remember the woman. It was the woman that he had met at the night club, but she looked horrible. In the daylight her face looked pale and gaunt. She was also very skinny, an unhealthy type of skinny.

She looked nothing like she had last night.

Rin looked around, now remembering the night before, he knew where he was. Without the neon lights and night life, the streets were almost unrecognizable to him; but he was definitely here the night before.

She came forward and with surprising strength, pulled Rin into a hug. She gently slipped her hand into his back pocket, "A gift," she whispered in his ear, "I never did give you my name. I'm Cy-"

"Not interested." Rin said firmly, cutting her off. He pried her hugging form away from him, "I'm sorry, but I'm really not interested. Uh, have a good day."

If someone he knew saw him with a group of people like this, who knows that they would think. Rin quickly backtracked out of the alley, going back the way he came. Thankfully, the alley dumped him back on the crowded road littered with people and shops. Walking quickly and facing the ground, he accidentally bumped into someone else.

"I'm so sorry, I wasn't looking where I was-" Rin raised his gaze to the person he ran head first into and his stomach dropped, "Yukio? What are you doing here?"

The two stopped and stared at each other for a moment. A look of confusion and relief crossed over Yukio's face, but then was quickly replaced by one of anger.

" _What am I doing here_?" Yukio echoed, "I was looking for you! You were acting strange last night and then you didn't show up to class. What are _you_ doing here?"

"I was going for a w-walk and got lost." Rin stammered. It was at least half true.

Yukio eyed Rin appraisingly, as if sensing that Rin hadn't told him the truth. Yukio sighed, his look of anger vanishing. Truth is, he was just worried about Rin and then got scared when he didn't show up for class.

"Come on, let's go." Yukio said.

They didn't speak to each other on the way back. There was tension between them, but neither knew how to face it. When they got back to the dormitory, they sat across from each other at a table in the dining hall. Both unsure of what to say to the other. Rin was terrified that his brother had somehow found out about where he had gone last night. In fear of him finding out from someone else, Rin decided that it would be bast if he told Yukio himself.

"Yukio, I have to tell you some-"

"I think that we need to talk-"

They both spoke simultaneously, talking over each other.

"You go first," Yukio said, gesturing for Rin to talk. He was curious about what Rin wanted to talk about.

"No, it's okay. You go ahead," Rin insisted. Yukio knew, oh God, somehow Yukio had found out. Someone must have told him. Rin's mind was running frantically, trying to piece together how Yukio had found out. Panic prickled across his body, making his mouth go dry and feet go cold.

"I know that you're going through a rough time," Yukio started.

Rin held his breath, he knew where this was going.

"-but skipping your classes to avoid your classmates isn't the answer. The exwires and I are having lunch and I was hoping that you would come with me. I think that it might help."

"What?" Rin asked blankly. That's not what he had expected.

"Will you join the exwires and I for lunch?" Yukio reiterated.

"Uh- yeah, sure. I guess" Rin agreed, not really paying attention.

"Alright," Yukio said, smiling, "I really think that it will help with the tension in the class. Now, what is it you wanted to talk about?"

"Uh..." Rin struggled for words, so Yukio really didn't know? "It was nothing. Just silly stuff."

"Are you sure?"

Rin nodded stiffly.

"I'll see you later then. Don't skip anymore of your classes, okay?"

"Sure."

Rin rested his head against the table and sighed when Yukio left. He thought for sure that Yukio had found out some way. He thought back to the people in the alley, they looked so different. Haggard, and emaciated.

 _'I guess that's why she wore so much makeup.'_ Rin thought.

What was that she said back in the alley? A gift? He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small packet. It was full of some foreign looking powder. He stared at it for a moment. This must be what she gave him last night. He fiddled with the packet in his hands, trying to decide what to do with it. He should dispose of it, he knew that. But a small voice in the back of his head was telling him to hold on to it. Just in case. He put it back into his pocket. There was no harm in keeping it after all, it's not like he had a needle or anything.

Where would I even get a needle? He wondered. If he went to a local store and asked if they had needles, it would raise suspicion. On top of that, he barely had enough money to feed himself as it was. Buying something unnecessary would be foolish.

Rin tapped his foot and thought about the matter. His mind clicked, Yukio's medical supplies!

Yukio was bound to have needles somewhere! Rin shot up from where he was sitting and rushed up the stairs, he started to go through Yukio's things, careful not to make too big of a mess. If Yukio showed up while Rin was rummaging through his stuff, Rin would have to come up with a damn good excuse.

After a few short minutes of searching through the medical kits that Yukio had, Rin finally found what he was looking for.

Clean syringes.

He stared at them for a moment. What was he doing? Was... Was he really going to go through with this?

'Just this once.' Rin thought to himself, 'Just this once and then never again.'

Once he had everything ready, he locked himself in the bathroom. He couldn't risk Yukio just waltzing into the room and finding Rin like this.

"Just this once." Rin repeated.

He sat down on the cold bathroom tiles and rolled up his sleeve. His arm still had faint bruise marks from where he had been injected the night before. An area that he could easily conceal would be his best bet.

He took a deep breath and steadied himself, he tried to push the needle into his skin, but panicked. What was he doing? He shook these thoughts away, it was just this one time. He took one more deep breath and pushed the needle into his arm and quickly pressed down the plunger.

He gritted his teeth, it stung more than he remembered. The alcohol he had consumed the night before must have dulled down the pain last night.

He pulled the needle from his arm, and like the night before, it took effect almost immediately. Waves of euphoria and calm washed over him. He felt like he didn't have a single care in the world. Until someone knocked on the door.

"Rin, are you in there?" It was Yukio.

"Uh, yeah! What's up?" Rin said with forced calmness, scrambling to stand up. ' _Shit, shit, shit, shit!'_ He looked around the bathroom. He needed to get rid of the evidence somehow.

"You were going to meet us for lunch, remember?"

Had that much time passed already?

"Err, yeah. How could I forget? Of course I remembered." He lied.

The toilet! He could flush it all down the toilet. He grabbed everything and tossed it into the toilet, flushing it down. He watched for a moment, making sure every last thing was gone.

He pulled his sleeve down and opened the door hurriedly, almost running headfirst into Yukio again. He gave his brother a wide smile.

"I'm ready!"

Yukio was slightly taken aback at his brothers change in behavior, he had seemed really down earlier. Instead of questioning his sudden change in behavior, Yukio smiled. He was glad to have his old brother back.

Going to the main dining hall, Rin only just realized what he had agreed too. He was about to eat with a group of people who hated him. This would certainly be interesting.


	3. Caught

**Disclaimer** : I don't own BE/ANE or any of its characters!

Here's a brand spanking new chapter fresh out of the frying pan for you guys! Enjoy~

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Yukio led the way to the dining hall with Rin following closely behind in tow. Yukio had been surprised when Rin agreed so quickly to joining them all for lunch, admittedly, Yukio was a little nervous. He had tried carefully to bring the exwires and Rin back together.

Yukio used subtle hints. Like how a small percentage of the human population are related to demon kings or half demons, but they had no knowledge and very rarely did demon characteristics make an appearance.

This morning when Rin didn't show up for class, the cram school students actually looked like they felt guilty. When Yukio suggested that they all have lunch together and to invite Rin, to Yukio's surprise they all jumped on board with the idea. It made Yukio happy to see that his efforts to bridge the gap might be working.

Rin however, was dreading lunch. He was trying to think of an excuse to leave lunch early, but no reasonable excuse had come to mind as of yet. He never got sick, so a doctor's appointment was out of the question. He couldn't say he had to meet with a friend, as he had none.

When Rin agreed to lunch, he wasn't paying attention and now he was paying the price for it. He had to sit at a table with a group of people who hated him. Even though Rin regretted his decision to use drugs again, he felt calm. The drugs in his system were the only reason he was keeping his cool.

 _'They already know. Someone saw you."_ A paranoid voice nagged in the back of Rin's head. There was no way that anyone knew. On the off-chance that he looked a little rough, he could easily blame it on a lack of sleep.

The dining hall itself wasn't too busy, it was later in the day so most of the regular students would have already eaten their meals and left.

Rin's eyes found the exwires table across the dining hall. Shima's neon pink hair acted like a beacon, its pink hues stood out like a sore thumb. Unsurprisingly, all the exwires were already there. One of them must have cracked a joke because they were all smiling and laughing.

Despite his efforts of trying not to care, Rin felt a pang of jealousy.

Rin took a deep breath as he and Yukio crossed the dining hall. The others must have seen him coming because they stopped laughing. The expression on their faces was unmistakably worry and fear. Fear of him. At the table, Yukio pulled out a chair for himself in between Bon and Shiemi. Izumo, who Rin expected to react the same way, merely eyed him over and continued to eat her meal. Rin pulled out a chair and sat down next to her.

"So Shima, when are you going to dye your hair back to normal?" Asked Yukio, trying to break the ice and lighten the mood.

"Wait, what are you talkin' about? Who said anything about dyeing it?!" Shima asked, his voice rising an octave or two.

Yukio's lighthearted banter seemed to calm their nerves a bit. Conversation broke out at the table and everyone went back to ignoring Rin. Not that he minded, he was just happy that he was out of the spot light.

Yukio pulled two meals out from his bag and handed one to Rin, who happily took the meal. If he was too busy eating, no one would try to talk to him. Rin took the lid off of his meal and out of the corner of his eye he saw both Kaneko and Shima glance at him and exchange a strange look.

' _Great.' Rin thought, 'They don't want me here either._ '

Rin poked at a bean miserably. If only he could slip away quietly. Maybe he could excuse himself to go use the restroom and not comeback. He really didn't want to be there. He didn't want to be anywhere for that matter. He wanted to go to his room where no one would bother him, curl up in bed and go to sleep.

"Rin? Rin?" Yukio snapped his fingers in front of Rin's face, catching his attention.

"What?" Rin asked, sounding stupid in his own ears. He just couldn't focus on anything today. Bon made a noise of disbelief. It must have seemed like Rin was purposely ignoring the conversation.

"I asked what you thought about it?' Yukio prompted him.

"Yeah, right. Sorry. It's, uh, cool." Rin mumbled, he had absolutely no idea what they were talking about or what Yukio was asking.

Rin glanced around the table. Everyone was watching him closely. When he caught their eye, they looked away quickly and pretended to be preoccupied. Even Yukio was giving him a peculiar look. Rin ducked his head, trying to shrink into his jacket. If he was lucky, he would disappear.

Rin picked up a fork and began to eat his meal. He brought the fork up to his mouth and was about to take a bite of his food when his hand suddenly spasmed. He dropped the fork and it clattered loudly against the table. Rin peered at his hand, unsure of why it would just suddenly seize up like that. That never happened to him before. He looked up from his hand and everyone was staring at him again.

"Sorry, it's not behaving." Rin said, trying to act casual. They were all openly gawking at him now, his apology about his hand only confused them. Rin couldn't take it anymore. He could deal with a lot of things, but people staring at him like he was crazy was not one of them.

Rin slammed his hands against the table and stood up, "Excuse me." He said in forced calm. He found the cafeterias exit and bolted for it. Once outside, he found a place to sit by a fountain in an empty common area. He sat down and pulled his knees to his chest.

Yukio had followed Rin out to the common area, but Rin made no effort to acknowledge him. Yukio stopped and looked around. He seemed to be at a loss for words.

"What's wrong?" Yukio asked, his voice laced with concern, "One moment you're were fine, and the next you're acting strangely. What's going on with you?"

"What's wrong?" Rin repeated with venom in his voice, "What's wrong?! There's nothing wrong with _me!_ It's you guys who're the problem! How long am I supposed to act like everything is normal, hm? They're treating me like I'm the damn plague!"

"Calm down Rin." Yukio pleaded, "Believe it or not they're just worried about you. Even I'm worried about you. The way you've acted lately is so unlike yourself."

"I don't want your bloody concern! I didn't ask for you to worry about me. I never have. So why don't you take your _concern_ and go fuck yourself!" Rin spat vehemently. Rin felt instant regret. The words that left his mouth tasted bitter.

Yukio froze, hurt written across his normally composed face. Yukio opened and closed his mouth trying to come up with a response. Unable to respond, he turned on his heel and made to leave the common area.

At Yukio's crestfallen expression, Rin leaped after him and grabbed Yukio's arm.

"Yukio, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it-" Rin started, but Yukio held up hand a to silence him.

"Don't." Yukio took a deep breath and composed himself, "Once you've calmed down, then we can talk."

Yukio left Rin alone in the empty common area. He reentered the cafeteria and took his seat at the lunch table. The others looked at him expectantly. Not trusting his own voice to answer, Yukio just shrugged and shook his head.

Blood was pounding so loudly in Rin's ears that all other noises were drowned out. He felt hollow and empty, the words he had spoken in anger were poison. Poison created to do nothing but cause others pain. Despite the warm weather, Rin was shivering. He held his head in his hands. Why did he have to screw up everything? Yukio just wanted to help him. Yukio stood by him even when no one else did. If Rin was going to apologize, he needed to do it now.

Rin took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He was going to march inside the cafeteria and apologize. Lifting his head out of his hands, he gasped. He was no longer in the empty common area, but back inside his dorm room.

"What the hell?" Rin yelped, leaping up from his bed. "How did I get here...?" Rin looked around the room, disoriented and confused. He looked at the clock and the wall. It read six in the evening. When had it gotten so late?

' _Where did the time go? What's going on?_ '

His jacket had been tossed haphazardly on his bed. He picked it up and held it in his hands. He still needed to go and apologize to Yukio. It could wait, he had to do it today. He shrugged on his coat, but when he tried to get his other arm through, a sharp pain shot through his right arm. It felt like something sharp had just cut him. Removing his arm from the coat, he peeled back his sleeve to show fresh, new bruises that hadn't been there this morning. Flinching when his shirt touched the dark marks, he rolled his sleeve back down.

Curiously, where his coat had been on the bed moments ago was a syringe. He picked it up and rolled it between his fingers in bewilderment. It looked like it had been used recently. He hid it in a pile of his clothes.

 _'I'll take care of it when I get back.'_

That's when a thought struck Rin. What if he had gone back to the club again? Maybe that's why he had a gap in his memory. There was only one way to find out.

Rin shrugged his coat on and left with only one destination in mind.

-~x~-

Arriving back at the dormitory later than he had intended, Yukio was unpleasantly surprised to see that his brother was absent once again.

"Rin?" Yukio called out, looking for his brother. He had checked the kitchen and bathroom so far with no luck. He opened the door to his joint room with Rin and let out a long sigh. The room was an absolute mess. Well, Yukio's side wasn't. Rin was solely responsible for the disastrous room he called home.

Yukio tried his best to ignore the mess and pulled out some of his medical kits. The reason he was so late was because he spent most of the evening restocking on medical supplies that had been depleted on missions. He spent the better half of an hour methodically organizing and replacing all of his used gear. Opening one of his last medical kits, he noticed instantly that things were missing.

He wasn't too worried about the gauze or sanitizer, but the syringes were another story. Perhaps he could have misplaced one, but three? That was impossible.

Perplexed, he looked around the room to see if he had set them down somewhere, but the room was in such disarray that it was impossible to tell. He would have to ask Rin to help him clean so that he could look for them.

Yukio closed his medical kit and set it on the desk. He might as well wash up for the night while he waited for Rin to come back.

When Yukio got to the bathroom to wash up, he nearly tripped over a pile of Rin's laundry. Yukio let out another long sigh. He resigned himself to the fact that he would have to clean it up by himself. He threw away some trash, grabbed a laundry basket, and cleaned up any filth that he could see. He tossed dirty laundry into the basket.

He picked up one of the last laundry piles but when he did, something clattered to the ground. Yukio tossed the laundry into the basket, and tried to find whatever it was that fell out. He was shocked to find that it was one of his syringes.

His eyes widened when he was struck with a horrible thought. What if...? No it couldn't be. There had to be some other reason that one of his syringes was in here.

He held it up to the light and examined it. It was used.

-~x~-

When Rin got back to the dorm room, the sun had already dipped below the horizon and the stars had come up. It was later than he had initially thought. He had just gotten back from the club he had sworn to never return too. So much for a strong resolve. Rin stretched his back and yawned, thankful that Yukio wasn't home yet. If he had been home, Rin would have to apologize for how he acted before.

He walked over to his side of the room and took off his coat. He wanted to slip into some warm pajamas and go to sleep. He was far too tired to notice that his bed was made and the room was clean. Too clean, like someone had through everything and was searching for something in particular.

"Where were you?" Yukio asked in a steady voice.

Rin turned to face Yukio and said, "I was out getting something to eat."

"Really? At ten o'clock at night?" Yukio asked, clearly not convinced.

"Haha, yeah. I... Got hungry." Rin lied, his voice getting quieter with each word.

"It must have taken an awfully long time. After all, you've been gone for over four hours."

"I was really hungry?" Rin tried. He was too tired for this.

"Oh, I'm sure you were, but not for food, right?"

That caught Rin's attention, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Yukio dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out a used syringe. Rin's heart skipped a beat. Yukio knew. Rin raked through his mind, digging at every corner to come up with a reason or an excuse. Anyway to get out of this situation.

"Is this yours?" Yukio pressed.

"You're the doctor in the family. Surely it's yours." Rin replied defiantly.

"Do you really want to play this game?" Yukio asked coldly, "Did you use this?"

Rin gulped, he knew that he couldn't outsmart Yukio. He was backed into a corner. There was no way out of this. Rin gave a nod so small that Yukio almost missed it.

"Why didn't you just come to me?" Yukio asked, his voice cracking on the last syllable. He wasn't angry with Rin, he was just hurt that his own flesh and blood would turn to drugs in a time of need instead of relying on his family. "Instead you turned to this? What is it, heroin?"

"I don't know..." Rin said quietly.

"Rin, you can't backpedal now. You just admitted to using it."

"That not what I meant," Rin said nervously, licking his dry lips. "I mean that I don't know what it was."

Yukio froze. A look of understanding dawned on his face.

"Let me get this straight," Yukio said furiously, "You took drugs from someone, who I assume is a complete stranger to you, and shot it up without a second thought? What if it had been laced with something Rin? What then?!" Yukio demanded in distress.

Rin said nothing. His eyes burned and tears threatened to fall at any moment, but he held his brothers gaze.

"I assume that's why the other syringes are missing too, yes?"

Rin gave a stiff nod.

"Roll up your sleeves."

"Why?" Rin asked in a steady voice, even as hot tears were running down his face.

"Like you said, I'm the doctor in the family." Yukio repeated Rin's words, but there was no malice behind them, "Roll up your sleeves."

With shaky fingers, Rin did as Yukio asked. He pulled back his sleeves, careful not to hit the bruises, and revealed big, ugly bruises that were a tirade of different dark shades.

Yukio sighed and took a examination of the bruises. Whatever Rin was using must be harsh on the body because even his healing abilities were struggling to heal the damage.

"The only reason you don't look as horrible as a normal user is likely because of your healing abilities." Yukio theorized while he checked the bruises.

"But as you can see here," Yukio gently brushed his fingers over the darkest bruises, "your healing ability has slowed down immensely. Especially right at the injection points."

Yukio looked Rin in the eyes. Rin looked miserable and ashamed. Yukio felt a pang of pity.

"Wait here. I need to make a call." He said to Rin, who nodded but didn't meet his eyes.

Yukio left the room and stood in the hallway, pulling out his phone he dialed one of the contacts. It rang a few times before the recipient answered.

"Bon, it's me. I need you to come down to the dormitory now. Yes it's Rin, and I'm going to need your help."


	4. Fade

**Disclaimer** : I do not own Ao no Exorcist/Blue Exorcist or anything recognizable.

Hello, sorry for the late update. I've had terrible writers block with all of my stories. This chapter took a full month to write. This story is drawing to a close. There will be 2 or 3 more chapters.

* * *

Yukio ended the call and put his phone into one of his coat pockets. Bon would be over shortly and he was bringing Shima with him. If Yukio was going to watch over Rin, he was going to need some help. Walking back into their room, Yukio made sure that he shut the door behind him. Rin had barely moved an inch. He was still sitting on his bed, staring blankly at the ground.

Yukio badly wanted to know what was going through his mind. He would ask, but decided not to. With Rin's mood swings, there was a chance that it could make things worse. It might upset Rin further. At least for now, he would have to deal with the situation from a medical point of view.

"Have you experienced any loss of consciousness or noticed any gaps in your memory?" Yukio questioned.

Rin stared at the floor boards, refusing to meet Yukio's eyes. He shrugged and replied, "Yeah."

"How often?"

"I dunno... Not too often. It's happened a couple of times."

"I'm not angry with you," Yukio reassured in a calm voice, "I just wish you had come to me instead."

Yukio pulled Rin into a bone-crushing hug and said, "We're brothers. We're supposed to help each other."

"'m sorry." Rin mumbled into Yukio's chest.

"I know."

They stayed that way for a while, each finding comfort in the other's presence. When Yukio broke away, he checked the time on his watch. Bon and Shima should be over at any minute now. Over the phone, Yukio instructed Bon to tell Shima of the current situation and no one else. The two of them could handle themselves, but Yukio couldn't risk Rin somehow harming or injuring Izumo or Shiemi, and least of all Koneko, who was still cautious and fearful of Rin.

"I was just on the phone with Bon," Yukio explained. It was better that Rin had some time to prepare, "He is coming over here with Shima. I assumed that you didn't want too many people to see you while you're in this state."

" _In this state?_ " Rin repeated in a hostile voice, "There's nothing wrong with me."

The alarm bells went off in Yukio's head, he didn't mean for anything he said to be provocative. Was Rin having another mood swing? Mood swings were a common side effect of withdrawal after all.

"That's not what I meant Rin-"

"Of course not. Of course you didn't mean anything by it, you're Mr. Perfect and nothing you can do or say is wrong, right? I'm just your piece of shit, flunky brother who fucks up everything, aren't I?!" Rin screamed at him hysterically.

Yukio put his hands up and made a 'calm down' gesture, "I've never said that."

"Oh but you didn't have to say it, you thought it, didn't you? Didn't you?!" Rin shouted again, "You know what? I'm outta here."

Rin tried to push his way past Yukio and leave, but Yukio blocked his path. If he let Rin leave in this state, who knows what could happen to him. What if he got hurt, or ended up in a bad situation?

"Let. Me. Go." Rin demanded in a dangerous voice. Who the hell did Yukio think he was, his jailer? Yukio wasn't his guardian, let alone his fucking father!

A wave of emotion crashed over Rin when he thought about his father. What would Shiro think of him now? Rin promised that he would show Shiro just how much of an adult he was, and here he was now. Acting like a child. Before he could stop himself, fresh tears were pouring down his face. He tried to wipe them off with his sleeve but found that they didn't stop falling. Rin slowly crumpled down to the floor and started to cry.

Yukio watched helplessly as his brother turned from furious and angry, to sad and emotional in less than a minute. Yukio apprehensively knelt down by Rin's side. This was going to be a really long night. Rin leaned against him and cried even harder. Yukio's heart broke. His brother was in distress and there wasn't much that Yukio could do to fix it.

Yukio sat there and let Rin cry on his shoulder until he heard a voice downstairs call out, "Hey! Yukio, we're here."

"I'm going to go downstairs and go talk to them, will you be okay for a moment?" Yukios asked Rin.

Rin wiped his eyes and nodded, his throat hurt from crying and yelling so much .

Yukio ran down the stairs to the first floor as quickly as he's legs would take him. He wasn't one hundred percent sure about how the others could help him quite yet, but having two extra pairs of eyes on Rin would be a good start. The mood swings were a sign that withdrawals were going to be starting soon and when the full withdrawals came around, they were going to be in a world of trouble.

Yukio nearly ran headfirst into Bon and Shima.

"Thank you guys for coming on such short notice." Yukio huffed, catching his breath.

"It's no problem at all." Bon said sincerely, looking around curiously to see if Rin was nearby.

"Yeah, what he said." Shima agreed.

"He's upstairs right now," Yukio said, following Bons curious gaze, "I think he's starting to go into withdrawl. I can't risk leaving him alone for too long, he's a danger to himself. If you'll follow me..."

Yukio led them upstairs to his and Rin's room.

"Rin, they're here..." Yukio's voice trailed off. The room was empty. His pulse quickened, Rin wasn't there. Where could Rin have gone? He had only been left alone for a second!

"He's gone." Yukios said in a panicked voice, "We should split up and search the building. He can't have gone far..."

Just then, they heard the sound of footsteps nearby. The bathroom! He must have gone there, it was the only thing that made sense.

Yukio knocked on the door and asked, "Rin, are you in there?"

He waited for a reply but when none came, he tried to open the door. The door was locked from the inside. He put a little more force against the door and tried again, but it just wouldn't budge. He tried knocking on the door, hoping for a reply this time.

"Go away!" A voice shouted angrily from the inside of the bathroom.

Yukio gripped his chest in relief, Rin was in there. He hadn't left the building.

"Rin, please open the door." Yukio pleaded.

"I said go away!" This time when he yelled, there was a loud clatter and a hiss of pain that followed.

"What is he doing?" Bon asked, confused. He too had heard the hiss of pain through the door.

"What are you doing in there?" Yukio asked.

There was a weird crunching sound followed by yet another hiss of pain.

"Why would you care?" Rin challenged, "What I do is none of your business. I can do anything I want and you can't do anything about it."

"You... You don't think he's hurting himself do you?" Shima asked the others quietly.

They all exchanged a worried look. What if Rin _was_ hurting himself? There was no way they could get inside. Unless...

"Move, I'm breaking down the door." Bon declared. He had enough of waiting. If his friend was in pain, they needed to get in there.

"Rin," Bon warned, "you can either open the door before I'm done counting down, or I will break it down. Do you understand? Three... Two... One..."

Bon drew himself back, giving himself room to kick down the door. Right before he kicked it open, they heard the lock click and the door opened slowly.

"Hi..." Rin greeted in a meek voice, "I accidentally knocked over a glass..."

"Man, you really do look terrible." Shima said bluntly, taking in Rin's appearance.

Bon gave Shima a sharp look. Now was not really the time for those types of comments.

"I thought you said I looked fine." Rin said to Yukio weakly.

"No, I said you don't look as bad as the typical drug user." Yukio said, "Come here."

Yukio looked Rin over. He didn't seem to have hurt himself intentionally. Rin had obviously tried to pick up the glass he knocked over because he had razor-thin cuts on his fingers but his body had already begun to heal itself.

"I'll pick up the glass. Bon, help me?" Yukio asked.

Bon agreed. He and Yukio would have to figure out a schedule to keep an eye on Rin at all times. It wasn't safe to leave him all by himself.

Rin left the bathroom and Shima followed closely behind him. Rin sat down on his bed and pulled his knees to his chest. How was it that he always made things harder for everyone else? It always seemed like Yukio was picking up after him. Figuratively and literally.

Shima plopped down on the floor next to Rin's bed in a huff. He looked around the room and found a pile of Rin's homework.

He looked through some of it before asking, "So what's goin' on here?"

"Not much." Rin answered shortly.

"Hmm," Shima hummed distractedly, "I didn't mean what's going on with you, I meant this essay. I might not be the smartest person around, but I'm pretty sure you spelt 'continuously' wrong..."

Shima babbled on a little while, talking about nonsensical things. He figured that talking to Rin about other things aside from his current condition might put him in a better mood or maybe help him open up a bit but no matter what he said, Rin refused to look at him.

Shima sighed and finally asked, "Why won't you look at me?"

"I just... I just don't understand why you guys are here. We haven't spoken in weeks and when I went to lunch, you guys looked at me like I didn't belong there."

Shima looked at Rin in bewilderment, "Didn't belong there? Hell, that's not what anyone was thinking at all. We've all wanted to talk to you, but none of us were sure how. You look really sick Rin. Like really, _really_ sick. We're all worried about you."

"Then why were you guys talking about me behind my back at lunch?"

"We weren't!" Shima insisted, "Well, we were, but not like you think. We were talking about how sick and exhausted you seem."

After what felt like ages, Shima was able to get Rin to open up and talk a little more but still not as much as he would have liked. It was going to take a lot more than small talk to get Rin to open up and talk to him. Bon and Yukio were still deep in discussion.

"It's getting really late, why don't you get some shuteye before they make their way over here and nag at us?" Shima suggested to Rin, pointing in Bon and Yukio's direction.

Rin agreed and laid out on his bed. Within moments, the the dark nothingness of sleep consumed him.

-~x~-

Rin woke up not two hours later in a cold sweat. He was trembling and his heart was pulsating loudly in his head. His muscles were aching again. To top it all off, he felt like he was going to be sick. It took Rin a moment to come to his surroundings but when he did, he noticed that he wasn't alone in his room.

The three other occupants of the room had all nodded off and fallen asleep at some point. Yukio was sleeping in his usual bed, his chest rising and falling ever so gently.

Bon was fast asleep on the floor by Yukio's bed, he didn't look comfortable in his sleep, laying face first into a pillow, but who was Rin to judge weird sleeping habits?

He heard the floor by the foot of his bed creak and assumed that's where Shima slumbered on.

Rin slipped out of his bed and tip-toed around the room quietly. His entire body ached like he needed something, and he needed it now. He looked through his dresser, checked the pockets of his clothes and found nothing. It looked like someone had recently cleaned his entire room.

Careful to avoid stepping on Shima, he checked under his pillows and found nothing. His mind was racing, what was he missing?!

He went into the bathroom and flicked the light on, being extra careful to not make any sounds on the tiled floor.

"What are you doing?"

Rin jumped, the voice spooking him from his thoughts. He whipped around to face the person. It was Yukio. _'Why was it always Yukio?_ ' Rin thought dismally. Rin's eyes flicked around the room, looking for an excuse, "I couldn't sleep so I decided to go for a walk."

Yukio looked around the room and raised an eyebrow, "Around the bathroom?"

"Yeah... Why are you awake?" Rin asked, hoping to remove himself from the spotlight.

In the bedroom, Bon woke up and yawned loudly. The sound of voices had woken him up. Seeing the bathroom light on he got up and walked over to it. Inside the bathroom, Yukio wasleaning against the door frame and Rin was standing like a deer in headlights. Rin looked shaky and unbalanced and Yukio looked unamused.

"'mething wrong?" Bon asked in a tired voice.

"Apparently Rin is going for a walk... In the bathroom." Yukio said, sharing a knowing look with Bon.

Bon looked at his watch, it was early in the morning but it was just late enough for them to stay awake if needed, "Rin, do you think you could fall back asleep tonight?" Bon asked.

Rin contemplated it for a moment but ultimately shook his head no. He was too awake, too jittery. He knew that he needed to sleep and that rest would be the best thing for him now, but he just couldn't shake that feeling. His entire body ached for drugs.

Bon sighed and resigned himself to the fact that they wouldn't be getting much sleep tonight. Bon wasn't upset, he just knew that Rin would benefit from the rest, "Alright, I'm going to get some water. I'll be right back."

Bon left the room to get himself a glass of water that would relieve his parched tongue, leaving the two conscious occupants and the slumbering Shima behind.

"Do you need anything?" Yukio asked Rin intently.

"No... Well, actually I should probably take a shower. It's been a few days." Rin said hopefully. He had actually showered the day before but he needed some space from the others to clear his head.

"Alright," Yukio replied, hesitant to leave his brother alone, "I'll give you some privacy. If you need anything, I'll be in the other room." Yukio shut the bathroom door behind him and sat down on his bed, giving Rin some much needed privacy.

Yukio held his head in his hands. He knew Rin was searching the room for drugs but what worried him was how calmly Rin reacted to being caught. A normal person would have freaked out when they got caught, they might even get hysterical. But Rin wasn't a normal person.

In the bathroom, Rin took a moment to recollect himself. The only noise in the bathroom was his own breathing. He turned the faucet for the bath on. A warm bath might help sooth his aching body and muscles. If he hadn't been so weak and stupid, Bon, Shima, and Yukio wouldn't be stuck here babysitting him.

He walked around the bathroom and stopped in front of the mirror, taking in his reflection. Shima was right, he did look horrible. He had dark, purple circles under his eyes. His skin was pale and clammy. His cheeks like a looked more hollow than usual.

He felt disgusting and dirty. He was the one responsible for this, this was all his fault.

Rin's eyes watered in frustration, this was all because he had been too weak to handle his own problems. Rin pulled at his hair and started to cry again. What had he done? Rin wanted to disappear and slip away into nothingness.

The water in the bathtub splashed as it filled up, reminding Rin of its presence. The bathtub was now nearly full and the water looked so inviting...

Not bothering to take off his clothes, he stepped into the warm bath water and settled down comfortably. He watched as the water level slowly got higher, and higher. He was so tired and the warm water nearly lulled him to sleep.

Rin let out a shaky breath that he didn't even know he was holding, and submerged his entire body under the water. After a minute or two of holding his breath, his body instinctively gasped out for air, making him inhale mouth falls of water.

Rin's lungs and throat burned painfully and black spots started to cloud his vision,

The world faded to black, and Rin knew nothing more.


	5. Effort

**Disclaimer** : I do not own Ao no Exorcist/Blue Exorcist or anything recognizable.

Hello there guys, gals, and pals! This is one of the final chapters. There will either be one or two more chapters coming out soon. However many it ends up being, the last chapter will be followed by an epilogue.

* * *

When Rin came back to conciousness - if you can call it that - the only thing he felt was pain. His throat burned like fire, and his chest felt like he had been stabbed with a thousand knives. Rin tried to call out, tried to alert the others, but he couldn't breath. With every gasp of air, his body reverberated with searing hot pain. He tried his best to take in a breathe of air, but the air got caught in his throat and made him cough, sputtering water everywhere.

Everything hurt. Everything burned.

Rin couldn't breathe, he couldn't hear, he couldn't see. Had he died? But if he was dead, why did everything hurt so much?

Rin tried to pry open his eyes, but the light was too bright, blinding even. His eyes snapped shut instantly. Something was grabbing at him, poking and prodding at his neck and forcing his eyes open. Rin tried to swat the hands away, but found that his arms were too heavy to move.

His hearing was slowly returning to him, but everything sounded like unintelligible garbled noises with a few words thrown into the mix.

"...alive?"

"...he's breathing..."

"...why would he..."

Rin forced his eyes open again. Everything was still uncomfortably bright, but it was easier to keep his eyes open this time. His vision was still out of focus. Despite his bleary surroundings, he could make out the worried faces of Yukio, Bon, and Shima kneeling beside him and hovering over him. Rin watched their lips move, but he still couldn't understand them. Why hadn't they figured out that he couldn't hear them? Rin looked around and saw that he was on the floor of the bathroom. Why was everything wet?

Rin tried to speak, but all he could manage was a low rasping sound. His throat felt raw and gritty. He started coughing again, pain shooting through his body hurting with every move.

' _Well, I'm definitely alive._ ' Rin thought, ' _Everything hurts too much to be dead_.'

Yukio rolled Rin onto his side, and Rin groaned. His chest ached and protested against every movement. Now on his side, Rin felt the water start to come back up, making him gag. Water mixed with bile came up into his mouth. He coughed and spat it out as best he could, but the bitter taste remained. Rin stayed on his side until he stopped coughing water up. The last few mouthfuls of water tasted strange and metallic.

"Is that blood? Why's he coughing up blood?" A voiced asked in alarm. Rin wasn't sure who was speaking. It sounded like Shima but he couldn't focus on the voices thing long enough to differentiate between them.

"I imagine his throat is raw from coughing up all that water." Now _that_ was definitely Yukio.

Rin tried to sit up so he could get a better look around where he was, but with every single movement his body screamed out in pain and stopped him in his tracks. Rin stayed where he was on the floor. No longer cut off from air, he took in as many shallow breathes as he could. Air was so underrated.

"What hurts?" Bon asked.

"'verything." Was Rin's croaky reply.

Shima was hovering over him now, "Do you want some help sitting up?"

Rin nodded. Shima and Bon grabbed him under his arms and slowly helped him into a sitting position. Rin gritted and bared his teeth to stop himself from crying out in pain. They gently propped him up against the bathroom wall.

Rin looked around for Yukio, but he was no where in sight. He could have sworn that he heard Yukio talking just moments before.

"Where's Yukio?" Rin asked quietly. He wasn't as croaky as before, but his throat and chest still hurt like hell.

"Once he knew you were okay, he left to get some fresh air." Bon explained, shaking his head.

"I've never seen him so scared before. When we pulled you out of the tub, I thought you were... I was so scared that you- that you had-" Shima stopped, he couldn't finish his sentence.

Rin didn't need Shima to finish his sentence, he knew what the pink-haired boy was trying to stay. If any reasonable person walked into a bathroom and found a person submerged underwater in a bathtub and unresponsive, it would probably be safe to assume that they had drowned, or died somehow.

Rin glanced around the flooded bathroom. They were sitting in two or three inches of hot bath water. The bath water was so hot and steamy that the humidity made Rin felt like he was going to start choking again. His clothes clung to his skin, soaking wet. Water dripped from his dark hair on to his face.

"So, uh," Rin started, breaking the silence, "We should probably clean this up. Any ideas on how we should go about this?"

Bon gawked at him, "Are we not going to talk about how you just tried to drown yourself?"

"Nope. Don't wanna."

"You just want us to help you mop up this water and pretend nothing happened?" Bon asked slowly, trying to wrap his head around what Rin was saying.

"Unless you have a better idea." Rin quipped, "Someone want to go grab some towels?"

"You could barely move just two seconds ago, shouldn't you just rest?" Shima chimed in.

"I feel fine." That was a lie. Rin felt like absolute garbage, but he would rather feel the burning, stinging pains in his chest and lungs and face the consequences of his actions.

Rin stood up and looked for towels. He caused this mess, he flooded the bathroom and now his friends had to clean up after him again. Rin couldn't tell if it was hot bath water dripping down his face, or if he was crying. He reached out to open another drawer in his search for towels, but a hand gripped his arm and stopped him.

"Why don't you go put on some dry clothes?" Shima suggested in a firm voice, "You could get sick." Shima wasn't sure if that was true. Maybe Rins incredible healing would stop him from catching pneumonia or a cold, but Rin needed to rest. He needed to get better.

Rin nodded his agreement and trekked out of the bathroom, soggy cloths and all. He walked past a window and saw that a light starting to appear on the horizon. The sun was starting to rise. How much time had passed? How long was he in that bathtub for? It was enough time for the bath to overflow and fill the entirety of the bathroom.

With Rin out of the room Bon asked Shima in a low voice, "You and Yukio have both tried talking to him. Now let me try."

Bon took a few minutes to clean up some of the water before calling out, "Oi, Rin! Shima needs a break. Can you come in here and help me finish cleaning up?"

"Sure." Rin called back from the other room.

Rin came back into the room quietly and Shima took the opportunity to excuse himself, "I'm going to go find Yukio. You guys good?"

"Yeah." Rin replied.

Using a mop to clean up the small amount of remaining water, Bon watched Rin out of the corner of his eye. He had an idea of how he could go about talking to Rin, but he was didn't know if it was the best way to do things.

Rin leaned against the wall and fiddled with his fingers, waiting for instructions on how to help clean.

Bon took a long, deep breath. It was now or never.

"I think it's safe to say that you have a death wish," Bon started in a casual conversation tone, "May I ask why?"

Rin shook his head. "You couldn't understand."

"Couldn't?"

"Wouldn't."

"Then make me understand. Talk to me, Rin."

"I didn't want to die..." Rin trailed off, his voice serious.

"But?" Bon prompted.

"If I _were_ to die," Rin responded, "all of my problems would disappear."

"If you were to die, then who would be left to pick up the pieces you leave behind? Yukio?"

"Yukio can take care of himself. I know he can."

"Well that's not exactly fair."

"It's not about what's fair!" Rin suddenly shouted, tears of frustration and anger falling down his face.

Bon set down his mop and turned to face Rin, giving him his full and undivided attention.

"It's about what I deserve! I don't deserve happiness, I am the son of Satan, the literal devil. What exactly about that warrants the right to a happy life?" Rin demanded.

"You don't seriously think we hate you because of who your father is, do you?"

"What do you mean?" Rin asked, using his sleeve to wipe tears from his face.

"We can't control who our parents are, trust me. I know." Bon said, thinking about his own father. "I was just upset that you didn't trust us enough to tell us. You've had to carry this burden alone this whole time. Who our parents are doesn't define us. If you were to die now, what are you leaving behind except pain and sorrow?"

Bon grabbed Rin by the shoulders, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I can't undo what I did, I would if I could. But I swear to you now, for as long as you live, I will stand by you. All that I ask in return is that you let us in, try let us help you." Bon pleaded, his voice cracking.

Rin thought for a moment before saying, "I'll try."

-~x~-

Shima wandered around the not-so-abandoned dormitory. The layout was similar to the one that he was staying at, with so it wasn't too hard to find his way around. He wasn't one hundred percent sure where he was going to find Yukio. Shima had already checked the woman's bathroom, a few of the spare bedrooms, and the kitchen with no luck.

He eventually made his way to the roof of the building and finally found what he was looking for.

Yukio was resting his head on the railing that lined the edge of the building. He was gazing out at the quickly rising sun on the horizon. It had been a long morning for all of them, but Shima couldn't even begin to imagine what Yukio was going through. Seeing your brother lifeless on the floor sounded like a mildly traumatic experience.

"I had a feeling I might find you up here," Shima said, "Rin likes to come here too."

"Sorry, I just needed some fresh air." Yukio said, his voice full of exhaustion. "How did you know that Rin likes to come up here?"

"Pfft, it's not like my job to follow you and Rin or anything, but it's pretty hard to miss him when he's up here playing with that giant demon cat thing of his."

"Kuro?" Yukio asked, exasperated. Once upon a time, he had asked Rin to keep his little feline companion inside the dormitory so that normal bystanders didn't see a giant demon cat running amok, but that was the least of his worries right now.

"Yeah, that thing. How are you holding up, teach?" Shima asked.

"We're outside of the classroom, please call me Yukio." It was expected that his students call him teacher or sir while in class or a professional setting, but outside of the classroom Yukio like being treated as an equal. "Honestly? I'm not. I just can't stop thinking about how this is all my fault. If only I had been by his side when he needed me most. I'm really a shitty brother, aren't I?"

"I mean, you did shoot him once."

Yukio turned to face Shima with a horrified expression.

"I was joking, just joking. I have brothers too you know. If I was in Rin's place, I wouldn't fault you. We all make mistakes sometimes. All that we can do is learn from them and try to do better the next time."

Yukio wiped the exhaustion from his eyes with the palms of his hands and gave Shima a sidelong glance. "When did you become philosophical?"

"I like to think that I'm smarter than I look." Shima said, gesturing his pink hair. "Are you ready to go back inside? Bon said he was going to talk to Rin. We should probably make sure they haven't killed each other yet."

Yukio nodded in agreement, "You're right."


End file.
